An abusive partner may be monitoring your iPhone

Talk to an advocate from a safer device first. Changes to your phone can be noticed, so plan them with your safety in mind.

You know your situation better than any web page does. Someone who checks your phone, demands your passcode or knows things you never told them may be using technology to control you. You did not cause that, and you deserve support with it.

Talk to someone first

Advocates at these services are trained on exactly this, including how abusers use phones. All three lines below are free, confidential and open 24 hours a day.

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788 or chat at thehotline.org. Spanish is available at espanol.thehotline.org. Wait times can run long when demand is high.
• National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673.
• National Human Trafficking Resource Center: 1-888-373-7888.

If you are in the US and in immediate danger, call 911.

A borrowed phone or a library computer is safer if yours may be monitored. Calling from your own phone may leave an entry in your call history and on your account, so check with the advocate on how to handle that.

The Safety Net Project at the National Network to End Domestic Violence publishes a toolkit for survivors, in English and Spanish, at techsafety.org.

Understand the risk of changing things

Locking someone out of a phone they have been checking can make them angry or suspicious, and they may notice right away. Abuse sometimes escalates when a person tries to regain control or leave. That is the reason advocates help people make a safety plan first, and the reason Apple opens its own guidance with a warning to consider your safety before you delete or change anything.

Sometimes the safest move is to leave the monitored phone alone and communicate through a second device or account your partner does not know about. Other times, cutting access quickly is the priority. An advocate can help you weigh this for your own situation.

Apple’s Safety Check

When you are ready, go to Settings, then Privacy & Security, then Safety Check. It offers two paths:

• Manage Sharing & Access lets you review people, apps and devices one at a time and change only what you choose.
• Emergency Reset immediately stops sharing with all people and apps, reviews devices and contacts and helps you change your Apple Account password.

A Quick Exit button at the top right closes Settings immediately and returns to the Home Screen. Changes made before that are saved.

Safety Check has limits. It cannot review non-Apple accounts, social media sharing or devices signed in to a different Apple Account.

Other places to check, when it is safe

Apple’s checklist covers these:

• Your passcode, which you can change in Settings under Face ID & Passcode. See the steps for expiring the old one.
• Any Face ID appearance you did not set up.
• Devices on your Apple Account, in Settings under your name.
• Apps you do not recognize.
• iPhone Mirroring, which can give a computer access to your phone.
• Management profiles in Settings, under General, then VPN & Device Management. Apple warns these tools may allow access to data or location.

Remember that family plans and shared accounts can show activity too, and that a phone in your partner’s name may raise other issues to raise with an advocate.

Keeping evidence

Screenshots of threats, photos of injuries and logs of incidents can matter for a protective order or a custody case. They can also be dangerous if your partner finds them. Ask an advocate or a lawyer where a copy is safest. The Hotline’s Get Help page lists legal help and local providers.

Moving a photo to a hidden place on a phone your partner can open offers little protection. The Hidden album opens with the passcode, and a person who pressures you for your code can pressure you to open anything else.